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Christmas was never really
a good time, not exactly a barrel of laughs during childhood and
throughout adulthood! I spent Christmas mostly the same, trying
to block out unhappy thoughts and memories with excess use of alcohol
and drugs.
This time of year sparked something in me that I needed to block
out and it got no better even when my own children were born. Christmases
before their birth would be spent in a haze of drugs and alcohol
use to ward off any unhappy feelings and feelings of insecurity.
Days would pass without sleep and food and the only thing to do
to try to hold it all together was to drink more and make sure drugs
were available in copious amounts. This was easy as dealers would
be stocked up with goodies to maximise profits. It was even more
tempting than usual to go OTT.
Surprisingly though I remember a call to a dealer whilst off my
head on Ecstasy. We met and to my amazement he told me he‘d
made a mistake and had no drugs left. Next day I saw him and he
made a stark admission that, after seeing me in such a state, he
decided not to give me any more for fear I might end up dead. Quite
a shock really, a dealer with a conscience.
The problem with Christmas for me was it being such a highly charged
and emotional time of year for family, with happiness, for many,
like I had never seen. Christmas induced the kind of emotions that
sparked riots inside of me and the need to get smashed beyond belief
and to be honest it would be with whatever did the job best.
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If someone was known
to have good gear it would be selling like hot cakes, to pardon
the pun. Alcohol and drugs of different kinds can bring about different
reactions and became a very dangerous cocktail and yet I took absolutely
no notice and carried on regardless of the possible consequences.
This time of year bought out the need for excess and it only spelt
another cycle of self destruction and provided nothing positive.
For many people who are or have been in this sort of situation,
Christmas can be a problem and quite a big one at that, and for
some they may not see the new year. To be honest I‘m surprised
I‘ve seen as many as I have.
Even for anyone who is 'managing‘ a problem, this time of year
can bring complacency and over confidence with the old phrase 'One
wont hurt, it‘s Christmas‘, starting off a pattern that
goes into the new year and then becomes a habit once again. We all
know one will hurt.
Also, if you‘ve been off heroin for a while, lowered tolerance
levels can lead to over dose risk being increased as well as the
risk of some batches being purer than usual leading to unexpected
fatalities, a very sad fact of loss at this time of year especially.
Thankfully I have been off drugs and drink for some time now. I‘ve
learnt to manage my feelings and old demons in other ways. I still
don't like Christmas, but don't go into a spiral of self destruction
and no longer ruin it for those around me either. Use whatever support
is around– family, sober or clean friends, NA, AA to get you
through. Good Luck.
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