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February 14th 2011, Valentine’s Day, the day I woke and realised
I was alcohol dependant. I got up for work as normal following a
boozy weekend as it had been my partner’s 60th birthday. I
felt rough, like I had a chest infection; coughing, retching and
generally unwell. Can’t go to work
like this, I thought, ring in sick I thought. So I did.
After about half an hour it dawned on me that I didn’t have
to go to work, so where did I hide that bottle of vodka? Found it,
added the coke, downed it. Symptoms subsided. Three hours later
I felt ill again, more vodka and I felt better.
This is it, the realisation of my dependency. How did I get here?
Who knows? It is easy to try to justify – stressful job, only
breadwinner in the house, pressure to always be there for the family.
How did I get here? I had noticed an increase in my drinking. A
glass of wine, half a bottle of wine, a bottle of wine, a small
bottle of vodka, half bottle of vodka, a bottle of vodka. This had
happened over a couple of years. No one knew. I started to hide
my bottles anywhere and everywhere. Laundry basket, under furniture,
wardrobes, places I thought no one would look.
From the day I realised my dependency until March 20th 2011, I didn’t
work. Everyone thought I was ill, which I was, but no one knew why.
What is significant about 20th March? Well I was cooking dinner
for some of my family; a Sunday roast. My partner, two sons, my
sister, niece and
nephew were there. I felt so ill I couldn’t go on.
The tears started and all were informed. “I have a problem”
I blurted “I am alcohol dependant”. What sort of reaction
would I get? I was so scared. I needn’t have worried their
reaction was what I should have expected. Arms around me, tears
for me and love in their eyes. What now? I felt so ill I wanted
to go to hospital. My family sat with me and my sister didn’t
want me to go. She didn’t want me lying on a hospital trolley
in accident and emergency. In all honesty neither did I. What sort
of treatment would I receive? Would there be any sympathy or compassion
shown for a self inflicted illness?
Decisions were made. My sister tried phoning a helpline to no avail,
it was constantly engaged. Did this mean I was not alone in this
mess, other people had the same problem? It was also decided I would
stay with my sister at least overnight and I told everyone about
the hidden bottles.My two sons bagged them up and took them away.
That night my sister realised the extent of my problem, watching
me retch and sweat throughout the night. Monday came and the phone
calls began. After a few, my sisterwas given the number for Aquarius
and I also managed to get an appointment with my longstanding GP,
a rarity at such short notice. My sister reports that the receptionist
at Aquarius was so kind and understanding, she promised
someone would call me later that day.
True to her word, I had that call and an appointment wasmade for
Wednesday. I was told not to attempt to stop drinking by myself
as this would be dangerous. However I decided myself just to drink
enough to ease the symptoms and not to drink to oblivion. My GP
gave me medication to help with the sickness and told me I was in
safe hands at Aquarius.
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Wednesday came and I cried and sobbed my way through my assessment.
It was decided that I would need a homedetox but there was a
six to eight weeks wait. However,
in the meantime, I could
access Aquarius
services.
With the help of
family and friends I
attended acupuncture
three times a week and one - to - one sessions. |
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If I felt I couldn’t
do this alone, my family were welcomed and both my sister
and eldest son had acupuncture with me on some occasions.
Throughout this period I had reduced my drinking, not to a
non - dangerous level but to a level that would ease my symptoms.
This period was living hell. I dreaded going to sleep because
I knew that in a few hours, I would wake needing to put the
poison in my mouth again. I continued to stay with my sister
although I would spend the odd night
at home.
I looked forward to my sessions at Aquarius, to be with other
people who had also recognised that their drinking had become
problematic and with staff who were kind, caring and non judgemental.
It also meant I had started to take control over my drinking
as I wouldn’t drink a couple of hours before attending.
On 21st April I had my home detox assessment. I was excited
and scared. The process was clearly explained and adate given.
Detox Day, May 4th, came quickly. Toni, the nurse, arrived
with the magic pills. She came to see me three times that
day and by 5pm the poison was out of my system.
The battle commenced. What battle? The battle of Hastings?
The battle of the Somme? No, the battle against alcohol! I
am writing this nearly five months after my detox. The battle
is not won. I returned to work in late June but decided to
work three days a week so that I could continue to attend
Aquarius and access their wonderful service.
During this time the Women’s Group has commenced, along
with an art group and knitting group. So my week reads like
this:- Monday work; Tuesday work and Aquarius; Wednesday work;
Thursday art group, peer support group if I need it otherwise
I stay in the art group then acupuncture
and Friday knitting group and shopping in Brierley
Hill as I have to save money now I work part time and weekends
I keep busy.
Temptations come and go. There is no quick fix, just sheer
willpower and support. That support comes from family, close
friends and Aquarius. What does my future hold – total
abstinence, controlled drinking or becoming alcohol dependant
again? At this present time I still remember
that wretched feeling of being dependant and this
spurs me on in my quest to win this battle.
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